I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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