just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
