you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Less talking, more tequila
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
