i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
