God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
well you can't waste a boner
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
