I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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