I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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