my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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