he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
