hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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