Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
