I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
