they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He better not be in your backpack
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
