So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
