Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
