You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
