I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
