saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
be right there i have to get my cape
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
