i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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