This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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