i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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