I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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