how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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