I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
