I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
