I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
