i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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