If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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