Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
