You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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