my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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