the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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