I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
