Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
cat food counts as protein by the way
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize