I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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