New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
