My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
