Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
The maid of honor just puked.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
