i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
