I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
