Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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