I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
