Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
