He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
