He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
