I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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