I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
