i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
