The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
