So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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