i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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