I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
