My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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