I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
