Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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