Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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