I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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