Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
