the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
