I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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