I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So here I am, sexting at work.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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